• Alexis Sands

Need BPD dating & relationship advice? Ask Alexis!

Dear Alexis,

I went through my live-in boyfriend’s phone today and found naked pictures of my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. He explained how she’d sent them, but that he didn’t respond. Also, I can’t confirm that because most of message threads were already deleted. Also, the photos were recent, spanning over several different days over a week, so I don’t believe him. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I’m in a bad place mentally and my anxiety is through the roof. Having BPD, I already have trust and fear of abandonment issues.

I’m tired of being hurt and lied to by him, over and over. The apartment is in his name, and I’ve left and/or broke up with him a few times. We’ve been together for almost a year and living together for about seven months. But I can’t bring myself to ever leave for more than a day. I always accept his excuses and apologies when he gets caught in lies. I have a hard time not responding when he calls or texts after a fight or break up, even though I know I shouldn’t- I can’t regulate my out-of-control emotions. He tells me what I want to hear to come back, but then there’s an incident involving lies a week or so later. A few times when I suspected cheating or him talking to other girls, he accused me of cheating and ended up angry with me! Help, I’m stuck in a vivacious cycle!

What do you think I should do, Alexis?

-Sick of Believing the Lies

Dear Sick of Believing the Lies,

I feel your pain- romantic relationships are complicated. But having BPD adds a layer of complexity, especially with the fear of abandonment. I believe the fact that you took the time to write this helped you process and see that you are tired of it- and want more for yourself. Biven that you suspected cheating a few times, indicates your gut feeling is right. When he accuses you, he’s protecting his guilt and actions back onto you.

Now, the hard part- taking action. I understand the emotional rollercoaster you’re on, yet, but imagine your life with him, always wondering if he’s cheating or lying. Envision you being unhappy and in constant turmoil- and keep visualizing that as you prepare to leave. My advice is to have a plan of how and when you’ll leave and figure out specifically where you’ll go.

Stay strong and please let me know the outcome!



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